Down To Earth Newsletter
Volume 6 – Issue 6 – July, 2007
NEW LOOK! – We’re very pleased to announce that we’ve upgraded our website. If you haven’t checked it out in a while, go take a peek and let us know what you think. Our new website will enable us to keep up-to-date information about our services, including dates and times of our therapy groups and our educational groups. Additionally, members of groups will receive a password that will allow them to download the handouts after each session. There are a few links, here and there, that aren’t active yet, but the 200+ active links should keep you busy while we get the others done!
Debunking Myths – Some Things Simply Cannot Be Forgiven
Myth: In my line of work, I often hear of outrageous horrors people perpetrate upon others. Adults physically or sexually abuse children, husbands and wives are unfaithful or they hide family money from each other, young adults talk unsuspecting teens into illegal or immoral acts to gain their favor, and the list goes on and on. Routinely, there seems to be absolutely no reason to forgive the offender and no motivation, on the part of the injured party, to even remotely consider forgiveness. It seems that some things simply cannot be forgiven.
Fact: The fact of the matter is that all things, no matter how heinous, can be forgiven. Now, you might not want to – or be ready to – or think that you should have to – but that’s besides the point. It doesn’t matter what it is, it CAN be forgiven.
I teach clients about two types of forgiveness, one that I call, “Saintly” forgiveness, and the other that I call, “Traditional” forgiveness.
I describe “Traditional” forgiveness as that which we bestow upon someone who 1) recognizes their error, 2) feels remorse about the act, 3) apologizes, 4) seeks to remedy the situation, if possible, and 5) communicates a plan to avoid re-offending. This is by far the easier of the two. Perhaps a spouse who called names in a drunken rage sobers up, feels badly, apologizes, treats their partner to a lavish dinner, and promises not to ever use such harsh language again. That offender is pretty much guaranteed to be forgiven.
Consider that same scenario, without the promise not to re-offend. Forgiveness is probably still extended, but it’s a little more of a stretch. Take away the dinner, too and it gets a little harder. Take away the apology as well and spontaneous forgiveness becomes quite unlikely, yet if the partner can see, by the look on the face, that there is remorse and recognition of error, they may still forgive. If only recognition of the error is offered, forgiveness is much less likely, but may still occur. Take away recognition of the error, and suddenly, “Saintly” forgiveness is required.
“Saintly” forgiveness is the type that is required when the evil-doer has absolutely no recognition that they have done harm, or doesn’t consider their actions to be in error. The offender may even be proud of his misbehavior. This offender feels no remorse, offers no apology, and does nothing to remedy the situation. In fact, most often, there will be denial that the event even happened in the first place. Finally, there is no plan to avoid repeating the behavior and, in fact, the perpetrator has almost certainly gone on to hurt others in the same way.
Most victimized people see their offenders as falling into the category of people who would require the “Saintly” forgiveness because it often appears that there is no recognition of error and no remorse and certainly no acts or words of retribution. However… if we look more closely at the situation, from the standpoint of the offender, often there are tons of clues that point to the fact that the perpetrator did, most definitely, know their actions were wrong, regret them, and that efforts (although probably unsuccessful) were made to stop the behavior from recurring.
When we see a perpetrator drink themselves into a stupor night after night, it’s a pretty good bet that it’s to avoid having to think about what they did. Efforts to throw a victim out of the house, although seemingly inhospitable, may be an awkward attempt to remove the opportunity to re-offend. Punching holes in walls, screaming and yelling, and throwing dishes can be a sign of a tortured soul who is incredibly and painfully aware of exactly how much his or her actions have injured, and continue to injure, those around them.
Once we put ourselves truly into the shoes of the other individual, we often see a way to use the more traditional form of forgiveness, and in the few, very rare cases, where absolutely no redeeming qualities can be noted in the perpetrator, sympathy can often be extended for such a pathetic creature who has no awareness of others. Even the most hideous, monstrous people can inspire “Saintly” forgiveness from those that they have harmed if the injured are coached to see them as the pitiful creatures they truly are.
June Discussion Question: If you could change careers without penalty, what would you most enjoy?
Within minutes of each other, both Kristi W., from AZ, and Krista M. from IL responded that they’d cash in corporate life for farming! Kristi says:
I would most enjoy owning and working on a small farm raising organic produce for my family and friends. I would raise goats for milk and chickens for eggs and meat. I would sell my produce and eggs at local Farmers Markets.
Meanwhile, Laura A., from WI would leave the land for the open sea:
I believe I would own a boat in the Caribbean somewhere and give boat rides every day.
Thanks for your contributions, ladies! Your premiums are on their way!
July Discussion Question: How has the Internet helped or harmed your health?
E-mail answers to: email@example.com and answers will appear next month. Your state of residence, your first name and last initial will be used unless you tell us not to use them. Anyone who responds and also includes a mailing address will receive our NEW INFORMATION CARDS and the new temporary tattoos are also in and you’ll receive some of those as well.
Thought For The Day: Patience can solve almost any problem.
PERSONAL GROWTH EXERCISE
To spotlight our E-Coaching services, our newsletter includes a personal growth exercise each month. These exercises illustrate the kinds of activities our clients are asked to complete when they are using our E-Coaching services. The exercises printed here are quite general in nature, but the exercises sent to our E-Coaching clients are individualized to meet each client’s specific needs. We currently offer a package of 10 E-Coaching Sessions for $500.
It has long been accepted that writing in a journal is a great way to get your feelings out, sort through thoughts, solve problems, and keep an ongoing record of your journey through life. The most traditional type of journaling is first-person, past tense journaling. That sounds like the following:
“I came home tonight and I was really tired, but I wanted to get my newsletter out, so I got up and went into the computer room, but Jon was fixing the computers, so I had to go do something else for a little while and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to maintain my motivation, but eventually I got back at it.”
Creative journaling allows you to write from different points of view. For example, you can write in the third person as if you were someone else writing about yourself. Like, “She got herself another glass of water, hoping she could finish her newsletter before bedtime.”
If you are writing in the third person, you can pick who you are pretending to be. I could be my mother, “I wonder what she’s up to. Probably working on her business. I’m so proud of her. I love my daughter,” or I could write as my husband, “Holy cow, is she ever gonna get that thing done? There’s a cool dust storm blowing in and she’s gonna miss it if she doesn’t hurry up,” or even as one of my cats, “This is truly irritating, she hasn’t paid me the slightest bit of attention all night. Well, I’ll get her attention eventually, probably about a half an hour before her alarm is set to go off. Man, do I love doing that! That’ll teach her to ignore me all night!”
Or, you can write as yourself, but at different points of your life. You can write as if you were 6 years old, looking at your grown-up life (wow, I don’t know what I’m doing being a doctor, that is so crazy. I didn’t know you could go to school that long), you can write as if you were 15 years old again (Oh my Gaw-d, I have so much work to do, this is so lame, I want to just go watch a movie!), or you can write as if you are 20 years older than you are now, looking back at your life and commenting on your present age (When I was younger, I sure did run around alot and spend a lot of energy on things that really weren’t that important), or writing about your golden years, as they might be (retirement is so awesome, I love having my days free and my nights free and just sitting out in nature, doing nothing. It’s so peaceful).
The combinations are endless. The exercise this month is to try several different creative journaling techniques and see which ones you like and which ones you don’t – which are easy and which are more difficult. Then do just a little creative journaling each night for several weeks and let yourself find out what interesting things you can discover about yourself.
For a FREE 5-Session Trial of E-Coaching, send us a report of how this activity worked for you! We may share your report in our next newsletter with your name, last initial, and state of residence (unless you tell us not to). Send to FreeSessions@drmarlo.com. (Offer Expires 8-16-07)
E-Coaching! Try it Now!
Not every problem is a mental illness. Not every issue is a trauma. Not every botherment is an emotional disorder. For life’s daily issues and for personal growth, now there is E-Coaching! Dr. Marlo Archer offers a 10-session consultation package for people who are not diagnosed with any mental illness who would just like some coaching, some guidance, or some personal growth. We are offering the 10-Session package for $500. Begin by using PayPal to send a $500 payment to DrMarlo@drmarlo.com, then send an e-mail to that same e-mail address, expressing your specific area of concern to begin!
Dr. Marlo’s Movie Madness – Entertainment and Education
Each month we show a free movie with a mental health theme. Interested parties can stay after the movie for a discussion about the movie. One credit informal CE awarded for a $10 fee. Networking 7:15-7:30pm, Movie at 7:30pm, Discussion until 10pm. Upcoming Features: Thursday, July 19 – Little Miss Sunshine, Thursday, August 30 – The Devil Wears Prada, Thursday, September 13 – Radio (Suggested by Duane Brickner), Thursday, October 18 – Harold & Maude, Thursday, November 8 – Chocolat (Suggested by Dr. Michelle May, of Am I Hungry? book and workshops). Suggest movies for December 13, January 17, or February 21. If your selection is chosen and you have included your mailing address, we will send you a FREE DVD MOVIE from previous years’ Dr. Marlo’s Movie Madness. Sign up for Movie Madness updates by sending a blank e-mail with ‘subscribe’ in the subject line to MovieMadness@drmarlo.com.
Publish Your Work – Promote your Practice – Two ways to publish – for free as a semi-anonymous author (your state of residence, your first name and last initial will be used), or, for $10, as a professional promoting a mental health practice (your full name, with credentials, address, phone number, and e-mail address will be included). We reserve the right to decline to publish any submissions. Current subscribers = 2591. Send creative contributions to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dr. Marlo in the Media
Kathie Price, of the Arizona Republic did a business feature on our practice that appeared in both the Ahwatukee Republic as well as the Tempe Republic. Copies of the articles may be available for a limited time from the Arizona Republic Archives:
Name: Down to Earth Enterprises. Owner: Marlo J. Archer, 39, and her husband/office manager, Jon Archer. Kind of business: Psychological services. Location: 1250 E. Baseline, Suite 102, Tempe.
Name: Down to Earth Enterprises. Owner: Marlo J. Archer, 39, and her husband/office manager, Jon Archer. Kind of business: Psychological services. Location: 1250 E. Baseline, Suite 102.
The Psychology Session – Internet Radio Show – Still On Hiatus – Soon you will be able to go to our archives to download any of our shows. We welcome show suggestions and advertising sales. E-mail suggestions or inquiries to PsychologySession@drmarlo.com. Order SEASON ONE AND TWO ON CD! Only $20. Send requests to PsychologySession@drmarlo.com.
Please join us in continuing to pray for J.R. in IA. –Marlo J. Archer, Ph.D.
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